The Bedtime Debate: Cry or Comfort?

A baby's early sleep patterns are at the heart of one of the biggest controversies in modern parenting: how to teach kids to fall asleep. One theory suggests that kids should be gently but firmly put into their crib at bedtime, and no matter how much they whine or cry, should not be allowed to get out until morning. Advocates suggest this teaches kids that nighttime is for sleeping, and that they will quickly adapt to the situation by learning to fall sleep on their own.

An opposing view holds that such rigid discipline at an early age will only teach children that mommy and daddy can't be depended upon for comfort. Instead, parents should offer all the love and snuggles that baby wants, and this in turn will help kids feel safe and secure enough to easily relax and fall asleep.

One of the main voices in the "crying-it-out" camp is Dr. Richard Ferber, whose book on the subject, Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems, is one of the prime resources for parents who opt to follow this route. In fact, his name has become a synonym for the technique, and parents who use his method to teach sleep habits often say they are practicing "Ferberization."

He recommends putting babies into their crib and letting them know it's bedtime. If the baby cries, do not respond at all for a few minutes, but then go into the room to reassure the child that her parents are in the house and they really do love her. It is important at this point to not pick up the child. This will reinforce that it really is bedtime. Each time the baby cries, wait a bit longer to respond. Within a few nights of practicing this technique, parents may be allowing her to cry for up to 15 or 20 minutes before going back into the nursery. Ferber says most children will learn in just a few days that crying doesn't result in being taken out of the crib, and instead will learn to quickly fall asleep on their own.

"This is one of the best ways to teach kids how to fall asleep on their own," said Brett Kuhn, an associate professor of pediatrics at the University of Nebraska Medical Center who specializes in behavioral pediatrics. "However, the downside is that parents have to listen to their children crying, and that can be very difficult."

It's true that the Ferber method is usually effective. However, some experts such as Dr. William Sears discourage this approach because it may teach the child that her parents are not offering unconditional love, a potentially damaging realization to a young psyche. Critics say Ferberized babies stop crying not when they realize it's easier to go to sleep, but when they abandon hope of receiving the desired comfort and love from their parents.

Instead of letting baby cry, alternative approaches focus on making the baby feel secure and loved. This could involve some personal hug time, or frequent visits to the crib just to show the little one that her parents are available and responsive to her needs.

In the end, both methods work and there is no consensus among experts about which one is best. Parents should adopt a sleep-training program that meshes with their own view of parenting, and their own willingness to be available at night. "This is usually the first behavioral issue that requires parents to figure out how to define their parenting philosophy," noted Kuhn. And solving this issue is one of the first major milestones on the long parenting road.

Labels: Sleep problem