Parenting at a later age

Raising kids, despite its many rewards, can be an exhausting, seemingly endless job. It's enough to give anyone gray hair. But imagine starting a family at an age when you might already have gray hair, at 40, 45, or 50? Many couples today are having babies later in life and face some unique challenges.

Why many couples are waiting




The birth rate among women older than 40 has increased by nearly half in the last 20 years. Why? Many couples have chosen to establish their careers before having children or simply didn't feel ready for the responsibility. Others didn't marry until later in life or had children from an early marriage, divorced and then started a second family with a new partner. Also, improvement in treatments for infertility and the fact that most women over 40 are in excellent health have helped make middle-age parenting a greater possibility.

Should you wait?

It's likely that older parents may be wiser, more mature and have greater patience. They may be better focused, having achieved a lot in their careers and feel ready for the "next phase." They may be more stable financially and may have more flexibility in their careers that allow being home to parent. And one could argue that just having lived longer, older parents may have a healthier perspective on life and better coping skills to aid them in their parenting.

But on the other hand, they may have less energy than their younger counterparts. And, if older couples have spent decades establishing careers and are accustomed to structure and predictability in their lives, they may have more trouble adjusting to the unpredictable nature of children. Some may consider the normal frustrations of child-rearing as reflections of their inability (in their opinion) to be "successful" parents. Then there are the obvious concerns of living to see their children reach adulthood.

Some tips for older parents

It seems, then, that the advantages and disadvantages in later-age parenting aren't clear-cut and vary depending on whom you ask. "In the end, no matter what you're age, your ability to parent really comes down to you as an individual — your maturity, personality and values," emphasizes Arla J. Bernard, R.N., parent education coordinator at Mayo Clinic, Rochester, Minn. Bernard offers this advice for middle-age parents:

• Ask yourself some tough questions — Before you decide a new baby is right for you, ask yourself if you are emotionally and physically strong enough to handle raising a child?
• Have realistic expectations — Babies mean change. Be prepared for what may be a great adjustment in your lifestyle. Ask yourself how a baby would fit into your current lifestyle, and how flexible could you be?
• Be prepared that, no matter how much reading or preparing you do, you can't control or predict every aspect of your child's development.
• Seek out a support system— Older couples may have less support from extended family because their own parents are even older (or may no longer be living). Meanwhile, many of their friends may already have raised their children. If you have other responsibilities — older children, parents or relatives to care for, a business to run — you may have even more reason to seek support from others going through similar phases in life. Seek out people who are willing to listen as well as offer advice.
• Exercise, eat right, and take time for yourself— As you age, your body's ability to bounce back after being up all night with a child or working all day and then coming home to parent may change. It's important to balance good nutrition with aerobic activity to increase your energy level while maintaining good health.
• "Also it's important for parents who may feel overwhelmed with their new responsibilities to set aside some time just for themselves and for their relationship," notes Laura T. Evans, co-founder of the National Parents Association in Val Paraiso, Ind., a volunteer organization that provides support and information for parents.
• Make long-term financial plans — It's very possible you may be in your retirement years at the same time you have the greatest expenses of raising a child. By planning ahead, you may provide a more secure future for your family.
• Be prepared for other people's reactions— When a 63-year-old woman recently gave birth for the first time, it received a lot of attention. People generally have children when they are in their 20s and 30s. That's considered the "ideal." And while people may be more accepting of older men having children, they may not feel the same about older women. You may face sex and age discrimination and being prepared with a straight-forward but non-defensive response may make things easier.

Challenging society's notions of the ideal parent

Bernard points out that advice she gives to middle- and later-age parents is really no different from what she gives to younger parents, and that there is no guarantee any parent will live to see his or her child into adulthood. And she reminds parents that once the baby arrives — despite any reservations they might have once had — they probably won't be able to imagine what their life was like before their new child.

She challenges friends and families of later-age parents to be accepting, empathetic and supportive. "As we see more and more nontraditional families, it's important that society as a whole begin to challenge the notion of the 'ideal parent'," Bernard says. She adds: "Parenting at 20, 40, or even later takes the same basic things: nurturing love — and a sense of humor."